How the need to belong makes it hard to say no to alcohol

We drink to feel belonged. The desire to fit in is deeply human, and the lengths people will go to not stand out might surprise you.

In a well-known study called the Asch conformity experiment, a group of participants were shown a few simple line drawings and asked which ones matched. An easy task, and most people got it right. Until… the rest of the group (who were actually actors) started giving the wrong answer on purpose.

Then something unexpected happened: most of the real participants started giving the wrong answer too. Just to go along.

Turns out, 75% of people conformed at least once — even when they knew the answer was wrong.

Between being right and fitting in, most people chose fitting in. So it’s no surprise how uncomfortable it can feel to order a Sprite in a room full of people holding liquor.

We’re wired to want to fit in. After all, back in the day, the ability to fit in and get along with other members was a matter of life or death for our caveman ancestors. Being exiled from a group means no food, no fire, and no shelter. You were on your own and may become a hungry tiger’s next meal any minute. 

These days, standing out won’t get you eaten by a tiger, but the fear of “social death” is still very real. Many of us remember the feeling of being a teenager, walking into a room and instantly scanning for cues—who’s safe, what’s normal, how do I not stick out?

From very early on, we learned that fitting in means safety — and standing out means risk.

So how does this deep need to belonging actually play out in everyday life? One of the biggest forces is social norms -- the invisible scripts we follow without realizing.

How group behavior makes it harder to stay alcohol-free

We’re social creatures. Our brains are wired to scan for what’s acceptable in the group, and then follow that behavior. It's part of how we survived for centuries.

We even have something called mirror neurons. When we see someone smile, we’re more likely to smile back. When we watch others order a drink, we feel the pull to order one too. Let’s be real, drinking is a social norm. 

“Everyone else is drinking… so it must be good for us.” is a hard feeling to shake in a culture where alcohol is everywhere. Alcohol shows up at everything—birthday parties, weddings, even baby showers. Every direction we turn, people seem to be drinking — friends, family, coworkers, even people we look up to.

In an environment like this, it’s easy to believe that drinking is just what people do—that we have to go along just to be considered “normal.” Even when we don’t want to drink, we may feel inclined to order a drink just to stay in sync with the group.

These norms don’t just appear out of nowhere—they’re shaped by the stories we absorb from culture. 

What we’ve been taught to believe about alcohol and “cool”

From ads to TV shows to childhood role models, we’ve been steeped in a shared societal narrative: that drinking equals cool and fun, and sober means dull and boring. 

I have to admit that I was once guilty of adding to that story. I started drinking young—the kind of girl who snuck booze to parties and prided herself on holding her liquor. I remember once rolling my eyes at a friend who turned down a beer and muttered, “You’re such a buzzkill.”

(If you ever stumble on this, Jenny: I was wrong. You were the cool one for saying no.)

I’m not proud of that moment, but I also know I wasn’t alone. So the question is: where does a 15-year-old even get the idea that “cool people drink”?

From a young age, we watch adults celebrate, unwind, and connect—with a drink in hand. Our brains quickly absorb the message: alcohol equals grown-up fun.

And it’s not just at home. We see it in TV shows and movies: Carrie and her friends sipping Cosmopolitans in Sex and the City. James Bond with his iconic martini. The brooding hero drinking whiskey. 

Little did we know that behind the scenes is the alcohol industry pours billions of dollars into marketing each year, making sure we get the message—loud and clear: 

Attractive people drink. Successful people drink. Cool people drink. 

What makes this tricky is that these messages are mostly subliminal. They slip under the radar—right past our critical thinking—and lodge quietly in our subconscious. Most of us never stop to ask: Does drinking actually make someone cool? And if so… in what way?

How drinking to fit in keeps us from feeling real belonging

First, let’s talk about the need for belonging. A sense of belonging is essential for our wellbeing, whether it is in ancient times or modern day. But there’s an important difference between fitting in and belonging: 

• Belonging means being fully yourself and still being welcomed.
  Fitting in asks you to change yourself to be accepted.

In modern life, our physical survival no longer depends on a small group of people. What matters more now — especially for our emotional well-being — is a deep sense of belonging, not just surface-level going along and getting along.  

In Brené Brown’s research, participants consistently described fitting in as exhausting and disempowering, while belonging led to greater self-worth, resilience, and emotional safety.

Sure, having a glass of wine might help you fit in with the larger crowd. It can act as a social lubricant, a mask, a shortcut to quick but often superficial connection.

But here’s the tough truth (that also holds a lot of freedom):

If you have to drink to be accepted by a group… it’s not your group.

The moment you stop using alcohol to fit in, you will often find yourself opening the door to something better — real belonging. The kind where your offbeat interests, your charming quirks, and your truest self finally get to shine through and be celebrated.

That’s what truly means to belong: when we no longer have to shape-shift and can just start to be. And that brings us to the next question: what if the “normal” thing everyone’s doing… is actually not good for us. 

What being alcohol-free says about your confidence

We’ve talked about norms, narratives, and fitting in. But let’s zoom out. What are we actually chasing when we reach for that drink? For many, the answer is simple: we want to feel cool. But what does that even mean?

For me, I’ve noticed that my definition of “cool” has changed as I’ve grown older. I used to think it meant being popular, getting attention, or going along with the crowd. But now? It looks different.

Today, when I think of someone who’s cool, I think of someone who is:

• Confident — They don’t need to prove anything

  They are often not the loudest ones in the room. They are not bragging or trying to dominate a conversation. Their confidence seems to be quieter but steady—you can feel it. They know who they are and don’t need everyone else to agree.

•  At ease —  They are comfortable in their skin 

  They are also not always the most agreeable ones. They’re not scrambling to fit in or be agreeable. Whether they’re dressed up or laid back, talkative or quiet, they just show up as themselves. And that puts other people at ease, too.

•  Authentic — They’re honest, even if it’s a little different

  They don’t fake interests or pretend to go along. They speak their mind—kindly and clearly. They laugh when something’s funny and stay quiet when it’s not. They’re not afraid to say, “No thanks, not for me,” without making it a big deal. They’re true to themselves—even if that means standing out a little.

   When we break down the traits that truly make someone cool—confidence, ease, authenticity—it’s worth asking: does alcohol really help us become that person? Or does it just feel like it does for a little while?

•  Alcohol and Confidence
  We may feel bolder after a drink or two. But that confidence is borrowed. It doesn’t come from within—it comes from muted self-consciousness. And when the buzz wears off, we often feel more anxious, more unsure, or a little regretful.

  Real confidence isn’t about numbing doubt. It’s about building self-trust.

•  Alcohol and Ease
  Sure, alcohol might make socializing feel easier, but it also makes it harder to truly be at ease with ourselves. That little voice that says, “I need this drink to relax, to loosen up, to get through this,” often leaves us feeling that we need something outside of us just ot be okay. 

•  Alcohol and Realness
  At first, alcohol might help us open up. But the most uninhibited version of ourselves isn’t always the most authentic. We might laugh more, talk more, feel more connected—but how much of it is truly us? And how much is just our brain in an altered state? Sometimes, alcohol becomes the mask we wear to feel normal—when what we really want is to be ourselves. 

How drinking culture is shifting — and why more people are going alcohol-free

At Sober Curiosity, we believe that truly outgrowing alcohol—and building a thriving alcohol-free life—takes more than just “stop drinking.” 

It takes rewriting the stories you’ve been told about alcohol and yourself. It include the stories: 

• “I need a drink to fit in.” 
• “Everyone drinks, so it must be good for me.” 
• Or “Drinking is cool and sober is lame.” 

Today, we are facing a shift around alcohol that mirrors the cultural pivot we once saw with cigarettes.

Smoking was everywhere — glamorized in ads, normalized in media, and widely accepted in social settings. But then, health research, advocacy, and public awareness slowly pulled back the curtain on the risks. Now, smoking is heavily restricted, often stigmatized, and widely seen as a personal and public health concern.

In recent decades, alcohol has followed a similar path — glamorized on social media, celebrated in pop culture, and deeply woven into our social lives. But that story, too, is starting to shift. Research now links alcohol to cancer, depression, anxiety, and disrupted sleep. And people are beginning to pay attention.

More and more — especially among millennials and Gen Z — folks are taking breaks from drinking, not because they “hit bottom,” but because they’re questioning whether alcohol really serves them. Non-alcoholic beer, wine, and spirits are now among the fastest-growing beverage categories. Celebrities and public figures are sharing their alcohol-free journeys. And the cultural conversation is changing.

Just like we once glamorized cigarettes, we’ve spent decades normalizing alcohol as a harmless social staple. But that story is beginning to unravel.

A new wave is forming — one where more people are asking, “Is this really what I want?” And where sober curiosity and alcohol-free living are seen as empowered choices — not punishment or failure.

We are entering an age of collective unlearning and awakening around alcohol. And you're part of the wave.

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