You stopped drinking—but the rest of the world didn’t.
One of the hardest parts of changing your relationship with alcohol is learning how to say “no” to a drink with confidence.
People ask me this all the time: “Why is it so hard to say no to alcohol?”or “How can I feel confident turning down a drink without making it awkward?”
My short and sweet answer?
Like anything new, it’s going to feel awkward at first. But the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Still, anyone can tell you that—and it doesn’t help much in the moment when you’re face to face with your first “no.”
Because the real key to saying no confidently isn’t just about how to say it—it’s about why. Before you can say no to a drink confidently, you may first need to change your relationship with saying no.
How One Small Moment Taught Me the Power of a Gentle No
I used to be a “yes” girl—the kind who agreed to everything, often at the expense of myself. I’d say yes to last-minute favors, invitations I wasn’t excited about, and extra work I didn’t have the bandwidth for.
That began to change because of one small moment in 2015, with my favorite uncle. He was visiting me in San Francisco, and we had a whole evening planned: sushi, the pier, the sunset. I was buzzing with anticipation for weeks.
Just as we were about to step into the restaurant, we ran into one of his old college buddies, who offered us box seat tickets to a baseball game that night. My heart sank as I watched my uncle smile warmly and say, “It sounds wonderful—we’d love to join you!”
Then he added, “But not tonight. Jeanette and I have a special evening planned.”I could hardly believe my ears. That was the first time I ever witnessed the power of a graceful “no”.
That moment planted a seed. It became the beginning of holding back my yes—not just to the glass of wine offered at dinner tables, but to many other things in life.
The 30 Reasons Why People Drink Checklist
Go from “What’s wrong with me?!” to “Oh, there’s NOTHING wrong!”
By signing up, you'll be added to Jeanette's (that's me!) newsletter list. Rest assured, you can unsubscribe at any time.
Why We Say Yes When We Want to Say No—Especially Around Alcohol
Here’s the thing: most of us struggle to say no—not just to alcohol, but across the board.
We’re afraid of what a “no” might cost us. We worry we’ll miss out, rock the boat, or be seen as a bad person. We don’t want to be seen as difficult or uptight—the fear is wired in us.
For thousands of years, our ancestors’ survival depended on staying in good standing with others in the tribe. To be cast out could mean death. So even now, in the modern world, when our survival no longer depends on conforming to everyone’s expectations, saying no still feels like danger and can literally bring up physical discomfort. This can feel especially true in a culture where drinking is so often treated as the default.
The idea of disappointing someone—especially someone we like or respect—can feel almost unbearable. In many cases, it’s easier to disappoint ourselves. So we default to yes and choose regret over guilt.
But here’s the part we often don’t realize: most of the time, a clear and respectful “no” doesn’t damage a relationship the way we fear. In fact, it can do the opposite.
Short-Term Discomfort vs. Long-Term Clarity: Why Boundaries Matter
Yes, when we say no, there is often a short-term impact on the relationship. The recipient may have an immediate reaction of disappointment, annoyance, or even a flicker of anger. It’s a normal reaction to not getting what they want. The downside of saying no is clear.
However, what many often don’t realize is that the initial negative reaction usually wears off. Then an unexpected upside comes: respect kicks in. When we practice saying no freely and being selective, people who truly care about us start to learn to respect our boundaries.
To my surprise, as I started to say no to things I used to say yes to, people around me slowly stopped assuming I was available for everything. Instead, they began checking with me about my availability—and accepting my “no” with little pushback.
How to Say No Gracefully (Even Without Using the Word)
Another lesson I learned from my uncle that night is that choosing “no” doesn’t always have to start with saying no. In fact, sometimes, it doesn’t even have to include the word no.
My go-to phrase today is: “I’d love to, but I might have to check my calendar first.” Of course, I’m not suggesting you refer to your calendar every time someone offers you a drink. The phrase is less about the calendar itself and more about buying myself time—to consider what each “yes” to others might mean as a “no” to myself.
Which leads to the heart of saying no.
Saying No to a Drink Is Really Saying Yes to Yourself
To truly become confident in saying no, we need to first understand that behind each “no” we say to others, there’s a list of unspoken “yeses” to ourselves.
When my uncle said no to the baseball game with his old buddy, he was saying yes to quality time with his niece. When I said no to a last-minute work assignment, I was saying yes to maintaining high-quality work on my existing projects. And when you say no to the glass of wine offered to you at the holiday party, what you’re really saying yes to might be:
Being fully present with the lovely company around you
Unforgettable memories to treasure for years to come
Being the designated driver who gets your loved ones home safely
Waking up the next morning refreshed, fully rested, and regret-free
Giving others quiet permission to turn down a drink, too
The Role of Boundaries in a Thriving Sober Life
At Sober Curiosity, we believe that truly breaking free from alcohol’s hold—and building a thriving alcohol-free life—takes more than just “stop drinking.” It takes four pillars to create a sustainable sobriety system:
Pillar One – Value: uncovering your whys behind choosing sobriety
Pillar Two – Belief: changing the story you’ve been told about alcohol and yourself
Pillar Three – Action: breaking the drinking pattern and replacing alcohol with more empowering options
Pillar Four – Result: embracing the full journey—both the wins and the setbacks
Learning to say no to a drink falls into both the Belief pillar and the Action pillar. It invites us to change the story we’ve told ourselves about what saying no means—and to practice the skill of saying no gracefully.
Get bite-sized sober curious insights straight to your inbox. Making taking a break from alcohol easier than ever.
By signing up, you'll be added to Jeanette's (that's me!) newsletter list. Rest assured, you can unsubscribe at any time.
TL;DR: “Why is it so hard to say no to alcohol?
🧠 Saying no is hardwired to feel risky — our brains are built for connection, and we instinctively want to avoid rocking the boat.
📉 While a “no” might cause short-term discomfort, it often leads to long-term respect.
🌿 Saying no doesn’t have to be blunt — it can be graceful, spacious, even kind.
💖 At its core, every “no” is actually a yes — to your values, your peace, and the life you’re choosing.
Next Step?Understanding Your Path Forward
Sober curious or newly alcohol-free? You’re in the right place.
Breaking free from alcohol’s hold—and building a life you’re genuinely excited to show up for—is a journey that unfolds in stages. Each one has its own focus, challenge, and opportunity for growth.
The good news? You don’t have to do it alone.
Inside our membership, Sober Curiosity Society, we’ll guide you through The Sobriety Hero’s Roadmap™ using the Four Pillar Sobriety System™—so you can move from white-knuckling, feeling deprived, and missing the buzz… to feeling free, confident, energized, and truly good about saying no to a drink.
Take this quick 7-question AF Breakthrough Quiz below to find out exactly where you are in your alcohol-free (AF) journey—and what to focus on next to stop spinning your wheels and finally break the cycle for good.
A former daily drinker turned psychotherapist and sober curiosity coach, Jeanette is obsessed with helping growth-minded professionals and retirees break free from alcohol’s hold and go from white-knuckling, feeling deprived, and missing the buzz to feeling free, confident, energized, and genuinely good about saying 'No' to a drink.
