Honey, this is not helpful.
"Honey, this is not helpful."
That is the secret phrase between me and my husband. And 93% of the time, it has saved me from a "this is what you could do..." lecture and him from my eye-rolling.
Most people don't realize that, in different conversations, we need different things.
In Charles Duhigg's book Supercommunicators (a book I am obsessed with recently), he pointed out that the things we need often fall into one of these 3 levels:
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The Practical: we need help figuring out what to do.
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The Emotional: we need space to talk about how we feel.
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The Social: we need support to talk through how something affects our relationships and social standing.
(These are my translations.)
When there is a mismatch between what we need and what the listener is offering, the conversation can become not only unproductive but also frustrating.
- Think of a defeated wife calling up her partner after a poor work review. The partner jumps right into problem-solving when all she wanted was an empathetic ear.
(the wife: emotional level; the partner: practical level)
- Or a distraught daughter calling up her mom after a sudden layoff. The mom is preoccupied with concerns about what others would think, while all the daughter needs is to figure out how to pay the upcoming mortgage.
(the daughter: practical level; the mom: social level)
And why am I telling you this?
Because knowing these 3 levels of communication not only can make you a better communicator, but it can also help you understand what you need the most to get unstuck from your current drinking pattern.
