“Why is it so hard to quit drinking?” I used to ask.
I had a full list of good reasons why I should quit:
- The blackout and hangover
- The missed work and the promises I failed to keep
- The hurtful words I’d spill and the embarrassing actions I’d commit after the second bottle of wine
The list goes on, and yet somehow, I kept finding myself having another drink.
I thought I must be broken; how else could I explain repeatedly doing something I knew was hurting me?
It took me years to realize that it wasn't the drink itself that I kept reaching for; it was what the drink did for me that kept pulling me back.
Why do I still want a drink when I know it’s bad for me?
An short answer:
Before alcohol became a problem, it was often a solution. The difficulty in letting alcohol go is often less about alcohol itself and more about the needs alcohol has been helping us meet. In what I call the Invisible Drinking Loop, these are Unnamed Needs.
The mistake: my drinking is nothing but a problem to be solved
Today, as I guide others to outgrow their old drinking patterns, I have come to see that one of the most common mistakes that holds many people back when they try to change their relationship with alcohol is the same one that once kept me stuck: seeing our drinking as nothing but a problem to be solved.
It makes sense. By the time alcohol starts to draw attention in our lives, it’s often because of the issues it has caused: blackouts, hangovers, and health concerns. It’s natural for us to conclude that drinking does nothing good for us, and we need to stop it.
However, when we try to quit or cut down, many of us find that breaking old drinking patterns is not as simple as we hoped it would be. So we feel confused, frustrated, and even ashamed — if we already know a behavior is hurting us, why can’t we stop doing it? It’s easy to feel that something must be wrong with us.
But here is something that most of us miss: long before drinking became a problem, it was first a solution.
The Reframe: Before it became a problem, it was first a solution
The truth is: what we are struggling to let go of is not alcohol itself, but what alcohol has been doing for us.
We don't drink at a friend's birthday party hoping to wake up with only fragments of the night; we drink to feel more social, connected, or less anxious.
We don't pour ourselves a drink after work hoping to say something we'd regret; we drink to switch off our working brain and finally relax.
We don't reach for wine on a Sunday afternoon hoping to damage our liver years from now; we drink to escape stress, boredom, or emptiness for a little while.
In other words, what we are reaching back for is often not the drink itself, but the role the drink has come to play in our lives.
It’s not the “problem” that keeps pulling us back; it’s the “solutions.”
The invisible force that fuels the drinking loop: unnamed needs
This realization fundamentally changed the way I understand our struggle with alcohol.
Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" I started asking, "What is alcohol doing for me?"
When it comes to alcohol, throughout history, we have been told many stories about why a person would struggle to let it go. Once upon a time, we believed it was due to moral failure and weak character. Over time, we began to see it as a disease or a malfunctioning brain.
However, each explanation often unintentionally fosters the false dichotomies of “normal” vs. “problematic” and “well” vs. sick. And both have overlooked one simple explanation: because alcohol is doing something for the person.
Once you learn how to look beyond the surface and see beneath the behavior, you will see that there is seldom a person who drinks out of a pure desire to ruin their life. Drinking, in its own way, however counterproductive it might have become, was initially an attempt to address another unnamed and unmet need.
- When you look beyond the party beer bong, you may find a shy college student who learned to use alcohol to get out of their shell and socialize.
- When you see beyond the nightly wine, you may find an exhausted woman who learned to use alcohol as a way to finally slow down and rest.
- When you look beyond the Sunday afternoon scotch, you may find a retired man who learned to use alcohol to fill up the empty hours.
- Beneath the apparent “drinking problem,” there is the need to fit in and connect, to slow down and rest, or to be stimulated and feel alive.
The first step toward change: Turning toward yourself with compassionate curiosity
Today, I call these invisible needs that fuel our drinking patterns Unnamed Needs. They are the first force in what I call the Invisible Drinking Loop.
As long as these needs remain unnamed and unaddressed, the pull toward old drinking patterns will often remain.
So the next time you find yourself wanting a drink despite knowing that alcohol is causing problems in your life, instead of beating yourself up or asking, "What's wrong with me?", I invite you to turn toward yourself with compassionate curiosity and ask:
What does alcohol do for me?
Because what often leads to lasting change is not shame and blame, but compassion and understanding.
If you'd like to continue exploring your relationship with alcohol through a more compassionate lens, I invite you to sign up for the Beyond Alcohol Project, a free newsletter where I share reflections and insights like this twice a week.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it so hard to quit drinking even when I know it's bad for me?
Because long before alcohol became a problem, it was often first a solution. For many people, the difficulty in letting alcohol go is often less about alcohol itself and more about what alcohol has been helping them feel, avoid, create, or experience. As long as those needs remain unnamed and unaddressed, the pull toward old drinking patterns will often remain.
What does alcohol actually do for us?
Most of us don’t drink for the drink itself. More often than not, drinking is an attempt to meet another unnamed need.
It could be a way to relax after a long day, feel more at ease in social situations, take a break from stress, or escape moments of boredom and emptiness.
Over time, drinking may start to become a source of problems. But before it became a problem, it was often first a solution.
What are unnamed needs?
Unnamed Needs are the legitimate human needs we have been attempting to meet through alcohol, often without fully realizing it. They may include the need to rest, connect, belong, relax, escape, or simply feel more engaged and alive.
In the Invisible Drinking Loop, Unnamed Needs are the first invisible force that can keep pulling us back into old drinking patterns.
Jeanette Hu
Jeanette Hu is a decade-long daily drinker turned psychotherapist, today a speaker, trainer, and alcohol-free coach who helps high-function drinkers break their old drinking patterns and rediscover joy beyond alcohol.
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