“I know alcohol is bad for me, but why do I still miss it so much?”
If you are trying to quit drinking, there is a good chance that you recognize this feeling.
Why do I still want to drink even though I know alcohol is bad for me?
Most of the time, what we really want is not alcohol itself, but what we have come to believe alcohol can give us: confidence, connection, happiness, rest, engagement, and so on.
Alcohol is really good at giving us convincing approximations of the things we deeply desire. Until we recognize the difference between the imitation we get from alcohol and the real thing we truly want, our desire and longing for alcohol often remain.
I have worked with many people who feel puzzled, or even embarrassed, about continuing to miss alcohol after they decide to quit. They feel like the FOMO they feel when they turn down a drink is an indication that they are too weak, and the lingering craving is a sign that something is wrong with them. So if you feel that way too, you are not alone.
My goal in this article is to help you see that there is a reason that you still miss alcohol, and that it is not because there is something wrong with you.
What do people really miss about drinking?
Here is the thing that many people don’t realize: when a person says “I miss alcohol,” it’s rarely alcohol itself that they miss. More often than not, what the person really longs for are the things that alcohol has come to represent in their life. For many people, this could look like:
- A boost of confidence
- A shortcut into connection
- Or a gateway into good times
Beneath these desires are fundamental human needs: to feel secure in ourselves, to feel connected and accepted by others, and to experience joy and enjoyment in life. In what I call the Invisible Drinking Loop, these unnamed human needs are the first core invisible force that keeps pulling a person back to an unwanted drinking pattern.
Why do I still want alcohol even when I know it's bad for me?
Of course, need alone doesn’t create the desire to drink. It’s when an unnamed need meets the belief that alcohol can help with that need that the desire is born.
We form our beliefs around alcohol through observation and experience. We watch someone take a shot before walking onto the dance floor. We learn that saying yes to a drink is one way of joining in. We associate cocktails with vacations, romance, success, and relaxation. And then we experience it for ourselves. Conversation flows more easily after a few drinks. The self-conscious voice in our head grows quieter as the alcohol kicks in. A warm rush of pleasure arrives somewhere around the second cocktail.
Somewhere along the line, we form beliefs that sound like:
- Alcohol boosts my confidence.
- Alcohol helps me connect.
- Alcohol makes me happy.
These unexamined beliefs are the second invisible force that fuels an unwanted drinking pattern. When these beliefs remain unexamined and unchallenged, they often continue to fuel the desire to drink even after we decide to quit.
Why Can Letting Go of Alcohol Feel Like a Loss? The Near Enemy Trap
The trickiest part is that these beliefs aren't entirely made up.
The reason that these beliefs around alcohol can feel extremely convincing is that alcohol is very good at giving us something that feels almost like what we want.
- We want confidence; alcohol hands us liquid courage.
- We want belonging; alcohol helps us fit in.
- We want happiness; alcohol gives us pleasure.
Alcohol gives us a taste of what we deeply desire, so much so that we often fall into the illusion that drinking can give us what we need. But what alcohol offers is often subtly different from the real thing. And when we get caught pursuing the imitation, we can end up moving further away—not closer—to what we were seeking in the first place.
There is actually a Buddhist concept that describes this kind of paradox: the “near enemy.” A near enemy is a Buddhist concept referring to something that so closely resembles a quality we want that we can mistake it for the real thing. But a near enemy is subtly different—and can actually lead us away from what we’re seeking.
When it comes to our relationship with alcohol, I call this paradox the Near Enemy Trap.
How Examining Beliefs Can Help Us Stop Missing Alcohol
Oftentimes, we continue to miss alcohol after deciding to quit because we are still caught in the Near Enemy Trap—believing that by letting go of alcohol, we are giving up something we need or deeply desire. When alcohol still represents confidence, connection, or happiness, then it’s only natural that giving it up can feel like a loss.
Only when we begin to see the difference between what we truly want and what alcohol actually gives us can we start to question whether we're really giving up as much as we thought. If you’d like to dive deeper into these differences, you can start with the most common Near Enemy Traps I see in my work.
Download the Near Enemy Audit
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to miss drinking after quitting?
It’s quite common to continue missing alcohol even after quitting. What we often miss is not drinking itself, but what we have come to believe alcohol can do for us in our lives, whether it is boosting confidence, facilitating connection, or promoting happiness.
Why do I feel like I’m missing out when I don’t drink?
Oftentimes, we feel like we're missing out either because we haven't fully questioned what we believe alcohol gives us, or because we haven't yet built another way to get what we were seeking.
In other words, what you feel you are missing out on is often not alcohol, but the solutions alcohol once provided in your life.
What do people actually miss about drinking?
The things people miss about drinking are things that most of us want in life: relaxation or comfort, relief from discomfort or painful feelings, connection and belonging, and good times and happiness.
Many regular drinkers have learned to associate alcohol with ways to experience good feelings or relieve bad feelings. That’s why when we decide to quit drinking, it’s often not alcohol itself we miss, but our old way of feeling good or feeling better.
How can I stop missing alcohol?
To stop missing alcohol, we often need two things:
- To recognize the difference between the convincing approximations that alcohol offers us and the real things we want, such as confidence, connection, happiness, and more.
- To expand our skill set so we can pursue the things we deeply desire.
In the Four Pillar Sobriety System™, these two tasks are called Belief Reexamination and Skill Expansion.
What is a Near Enemy Trap?What is a Near Enemy Trap?
A Near Enemy Trap is an invisible trap where alcohol gives us a convincing imitation of something we deeply desire, such as confidence, connection, or happiness, while pulling us further away from, rather than closer to, the real thing.
For example, alcohol may give us liquid courage when what we truly want is confidence, or help us fit in when what we deeply desire is belonging.
How can a Near Enemy Trap keep me wanting or missing alcohol?
When we mistake what alcohol gives us for what we truly want, we can develop beliefs such as “alcohol gives me confidence,” “alcohol helps me connect,” or “alcohol makes me happy.”
As long as these beliefs remain unexamined, giving up alcohol can feel like giving up confidence, connection, happiness, or other things we deeply desire. This can keep the desire for alcohol alive even after we decide to quit drinking.
How does an Invisible Drinking Loop keep pulling us back to alcohol?
An Invisible Drinking Loop is an unwanted drinking pattern that is driven by a fundamental human need and fueled by the belief that alcohol can somehow help us meet that need. Over time, it becomes a habit loop where drinking becomes the default response whenever that need arises.
Because many of these needs, beliefs, and habit loops operate outside our awareness, we may find ourselves repeatedly wanting or returning to alcohol without fully understanding what is pulling us back.
Making these invisible forces visible gives us an opportunity to examine the beliefs, change the habit loop, and develop new ways to meet the needs underneath our desire to drink.
Jeanette Hu
Jeanette Hu is a decade-long daily drinker turned psychotherapist with years of experience, today a speaker, trainer, and alcohol-free coach who helps high-functioning drinkers break their old drinking patterns and rediscover joy beyond alcohol.
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background-color: #fff; padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding-top: 20px; padding-right: 20px; padding-bottom: 20px; padding-left: 20px; } @media (min-width: 768px) { #block-1789197002460 { margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; } #block-1789197002460 .block { padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding-top: 30px; padding-right: 30px; padding-bottom: 30px; padding-left: 30px; } } @media (max-width: 767px) { #block-1789197002460 { text-align: left; } } #block-1789197002460 .accordion-title h5 { margin: 0; cursor: pointer; } #block-1789197002460 .accordion-body { padding-top: 24px; } #block-1789197002460 .accordion-title.collapsed:after { content: "\f105"; margin-left: 24px; } #block-1789197002460 .accordion-title:after { content: "\f107"; margin-left: 24px; color: #00c4cc; } #block-1754668655365 { margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; } #block-1754668655365 .block { border: 2px double #ffeb76; border-radius: 10px; background-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 15px; padding-left: 15px; } @media (min-width: 768px) { #block-1754668655365 { margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; } #block-1754668655365 .block { padding: 0px; padding: 0px; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 15px; padding-left: 15px; } } @media (max-width: 767px) { #block-1754668655365 { text-align: center; } } #block-1754668655365 .feature__image, [data-slick-id="1754668655365"] .feature__image { width: 100px; border-radius: 100px; } .authorfeature { display: flex; align-items: flex-start; position: relative; } .authorfeature__image-container { flex-shrink: 0; margin-right: 20px; } .authorfeature__image { max-width: 150px; height: auto; } .authorfeature__content { flex-grow: 1; } @media (max-width: 767px) { #block-1754668655365 .authorfeature { flex-direction: column; align-items: center; } #block-1754668655365 .authorfeature__image-container { margin-right: 0; } } .awesomecontainer { background: #ffffff; h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6, p, ul, li, .block-type--table table {color: #000000;} padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 15px; } .awesomecontainer .row .block-type--accordion { align-self: flex-start; }
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